Many of them are normal because they are so well adjusted to our mode of existence, because their human voice has been silenced so early in their lives, that they do not even struggle or suffer or develop symptoms as the neurotic does.
They are normal not in what may be called the absolute sense of the word; they are normal only in relation to a profoundly abnormal society.
Their perfect adjustment to that abnormal society is a measure of their mental sickness. These millions of abnormally 'normal' people, living without fuss in a society to which, if they were fully human beings, they ought not to be adjusted.”
― Aldous Huxley
Once upon a time, I believed that I was "normal". Normal in the sense that I thought that the way I saw and understood the world was the way everyone saw and understood the world. I thought that I was only unique in that I could not express my views accurately enough for others to understand them. But that if I could only express myself more articulately, that others would come to understand that I too was thinking the same things that they were. But try as I might, I could not convince others that I was normal in the way that they were normal. I could not understand why this was so, because I had come to achieve what I thought a reasonable articulation of speech. Yet alas my words were still not in sync with those of the people around me. This is when it occurred to me that, perhaps what I lacked was not the ability to communicate my understanding of the world in a way consistent with the way others communicate them, but that what I lacked was the ability to perceive the world correctly at all. So the focus of my effort would shift from correct expression to correct perception. I would have to relearn how to perceive the world accurately, the way as it would seem to me, that everyone else in the world had managed to do. A lesson in life that had somehow managed to evade only me. I quickly deduced that I could not see the world the way others could, because I was not open minded enough to do so. Consequently I determined that in order that I should learn to perceive the world correctly, I would have to learn to open my mind to the truths that others seemed to see so easily. If the enemy of accurate perception was a closed mind, I was determined to have the most open mind that I was capable of having. I believed that surely, if I worked hard enough, I could achieve an acceptable level of open mindedness to be able to glimpse even a marginally accurate view of the world. But alas my efforts would yield only disappointment, because try as I might, I could not manage to see the world the way others said they did. But why such a disparity between my description of the world and other's descriptions of the world? Why did I have to be such a freak? That is something I still struggle with to this day.
Recently I have been told that I suffer from a disability and several disorders of the mind. I was diagnosed with ADHD, as well as anxiety disorder, and several other things which are along the same lines as the first two. I was told that I can be accommodated, so that I can be accurately evaluated on my abilities to do what others do. But what if I was not meant to do what others do? What if I was meant to be different? What if I was meant to do something that no one has done before? What if this new thing required me to take a route not often taken by others? What if to succeed in this task, I had to appear to others to be a failure? What if I had to fail in order that I might succeed at my purpose? Would I have the courage to be seen as a failure? Would I be able to fail in the conventional sense of the word, so that the meaning of failure can be reevaluated? Someone recently told me (in a Facebook comment) that I needed to stop living for other people and to start living for myself. Reading that, I realized that I had been making a large amount of my life decisions on the basis of the expectations of others. I can not continue to live like this anymore. It is tearing me apart on the inside. I have been doing a great deal of reassessing the choices of my life and where I am, and where I plan to be in the future. It has also recently occurred to me, that on my current trajectory I will end up nowhere near the places that I want to be. I found that at best, I would not be miserable, but that I would also never be truly happy. Given that, I feel it behoove of me to draw up a plan that will take me to where I can feel fulfilled and with purpose to my life.
Despite all my efforts to be like everyone else. I never managed to have a sense that I was like my peers. So I pretended to be like them, so that I could be accepted, so that I could feel like I was normal. I am through with pretending, not that I was ever really all that good at pretending anyway. I am now trying to discover and understand who I am, so that I can be me more fully and completely me. So begins my quest to find myself, a journey which has begun long ago, but which I have only recently begun to understand. This is a journey that will never end, but it is a journey that I feel I must take in order to be happy. But this much is certain to me now. If normal means to think in a way consistent with the way most people do, then I am not normal, nor would I ever want to be normal. For better or worse, I will ever only be and ever only want to be, ME.
Recently I have been told that I suffer from a disability and several disorders of the mind. I was diagnosed with ADHD, as well as anxiety disorder, and several other things which are along the same lines as the first two. I was told that I can be accommodated, so that I can be accurately evaluated on my abilities to do what others do. But what if I was not meant to do what others do? What if I was meant to be different? What if I was meant to do something that no one has done before? What if this new thing required me to take a route not often taken by others? What if to succeed in this task, I had to appear to others to be a failure? What if I had to fail in order that I might succeed at my purpose? Would I have the courage to be seen as a failure? Would I be able to fail in the conventional sense of the word, so that the meaning of failure can be reevaluated? Someone recently told me (in a Facebook comment) that I needed to stop living for other people and to start living for myself. Reading that, I realized that I had been making a large amount of my life decisions on the basis of the expectations of others. I can not continue to live like this anymore. It is tearing me apart on the inside. I have been doing a great deal of reassessing the choices of my life and where I am, and where I plan to be in the future. It has also recently occurred to me, that on my current trajectory I will end up nowhere near the places that I want to be. I found that at best, I would not be miserable, but that I would also never be truly happy. Given that, I feel it behoove of me to draw up a plan that will take me to where I can feel fulfilled and with purpose to my life.
Despite all my efforts to be like everyone else. I never managed to have a sense that I was like my peers. So I pretended to be like them, so that I could be accepted, so that I could feel like I was normal. I am through with pretending, not that I was ever really all that good at pretending anyway. I am now trying to discover and understand who I am, so that I can be me more fully and completely me. So begins my quest to find myself, a journey which has begun long ago, but which I have only recently begun to understand. This is a journey that will never end, but it is a journey that I feel I must take in order to be happy. But this much is certain to me now. If normal means to think in a way consistent with the way most people do, then I am not normal, nor would I ever want to be normal. For better or worse, I will ever only be and ever only want to be, ME.
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